How to Piss Off Alphonse Elric
by blownwish
Summary: Ask Edward for details (RoyEd yaoi)


Author's Note: Post-series yaoi fanfic.

Roy Mustang is an annoying, self centered prick from hell. And I love him. Pretty stupid for a genius, right? Well, I do. But that still doesn't change the fact that I can't live without him. Even when I can't live with him.

So this was one of those times. I'd shacked up with Al for a few days, totally looking for my own place (between complaining about Brigadier General Asshole, secretly keeping tabs on same said asshole through certain parties, and sleeping). And anyway, Al was getting sick of it. Not the part about me staying there. He was fine with that. He'd just tell me to stop bitching about Mustang and move on. As if it takes days to get over something like that.

One night me and Al were talking about alchemy and life and stuff. The usual thing. And because we're brothers we totally have no problem with talking while one of us is in the shower or whatever. And when I say one of us, I mean I'd be in the shower and Al would be standing there, talking to me about stuff. It is really no big deal.

Suddenly there was this knock. He stops talking and starts jumping back into his pants. (Hey, he was about to use the shower right after me.) Starts telling me to wait right there and leaves.

Like I was gonna just keep showering when someone's at the apartment door in the middle of the night? Please.

So I'm at the front door with Al. Just a towel over my privates and soaking wet. He's got not shirt on and - okay, it looked funny. But anyone who knows us knows it is no big deal. Right? We're brothers. Brothers can do that.

So when he opens the door and Brigadier General Asshole is standing there, I was totally not thinking, This looks awkward. It was more like, What the fuck are you doing here?. (But absolutely not, What took you so long? As if...) So I said, "What the fuck are you doing here?" Because, well, logic.

"I could say the same thing." He started swaying. Then pointing. "What the fuck?"

Did I mention this guy has a drinking problem? Okay, lemme just put it out there: Brigadier General Roy Mustang, the People's Hero, is a big-time alchie.

"You're not wanted here." Good ole' Al! He got right between me and my one and only ex, arms crossed and everything.

"Oh, really?" Roy just laughed like he heard a joke. "Edward Elric, you short little bastard, tell me you don't want me and I'll leave you alone. Forever."

Now, I was pissed with this guy. He thought I lived to service his dick and clean up when he was done. I'd had enough. More than enough. But, forever? As in never again? That's a long time, you know. I was pissed but my dick didn't know anything about that. It was standing at attention through my towel, ready to take orders. And I totally blame my dick for what I said. "Hey, why don't you come in so we can talk it out?"

Talk it out? Haha. He was already checking out the boner when Al let him pass. "All right."

So Al mumbled something about hot water running out and ran to the bathroom. Slammed the door and left me with Mr Wonderful.

"What is going on here?" Roy looked around the place, probably looking for clues proving me and my little brother were doing... whatever he thought. "Enjoying some quality time with Alphonse?"

"Just how drunk are you?" His nose was red. His speech was slurred and when he sat it was like his knees gave out under the couch.

"Drunk enough to get here. Not drunk enough to stop." He grabbed my towel and looked underneath. "Nice showing, Fullmetal."

I slapped his hand away. "That's Al's commission, now. I'm a glorified houseboy these days, remember?"

"Do we have to go over that, again?" He did the whole poor Roy thing again with his face in his hands. "I miss you."

I just stood there, all pissed and horny, waiting for this guy to yank my towel off and suck my dick until I shot flowers. "Al says I should move on."

He peered through his fingers. Someone must've lied and told him that was cute. It looked stupid when an old man did it. "Oh, I bet."

"He also said we should move back to the country and start a school together. Like Sensei's."

He finally stopped with the face-in-hand thing. "Please don't tell me you're in love with him."

So that was the stupidest idea anyone ever had in the history of stupid ideas. Me? In love with my brother? I might be a little kinky, but I'm not that kinky. Still, I was pissed with this guy and I wanted to make him pay. Big time. So I said it. "So what if I am?"

Before I knew it I was flat on my back, with the wind knocked out of me, and this crazy old man was kissing me like he was dying and I was his mouth-to-mouth. Okay, so it was totally hot. And I liked it. A little. (A lot. So sue me.) And I started kissing him back. A little. (A lot. Fuck it.) Then we started rolling around, knocking stuff over and grabbing each other all over. My towel went flying. His pants went south. Then, all the sudden, we start humping against each other.

Damn, he was hard for a drunk guy. I mean, he was ready to blow. But so was I, because a few days of jerking off just wasn't cutting it. I needed that big, stupid jerk's body like a junkie.

"You can't leave me! Don't you see? Even if you love him you still want me!"

"Shut up! Just shut up!" I grabbed his cock and started pumping real fast. I wanted to see him come for me. Needed to see it. All those days without me - I had to know I still had that power over him.

But he was still drunk. And drunk people think they can do things sober people know they can't do. Like pick me up and try to stick it in, with no lube, right in the middle of my brother's living room.

And we fell the fuck down. Of course.

"Stupid asshole!"

My towel somehow landed on his face. Not that I cared. My ass landed on the coffee table. Ow...

"Maybe..." he threw the thing off. It hit me in the head. (Nice!) "That wasn't such a good idea?"

"Ya think?"

No, he didn't think. He just grinned that stupid, sexy grin and crooked his finger at me. Damn! I wish that didn't work! But it did. I crawled over to him and let him grab me by the pony tail and kiss me again.

This time he took things slow. He nibbled on my ear. Touched me all over like I was made of glass. Licked me all over. I mean all over. My nipples. My balls. My ass. "Please come home, " he kept saying. "I love you," he kept saying. "Can't you see?" Yeah, I could see. See stars.

I was so hard, that by the time he took out the lube I was on all fours, begging him to stick it to me.

No, I won't tell you what I said. That's... embarrassing. But you know what's more embarrassing? I'll get to that.

So he started in on me, real slow at first, the way I like it. Just a little at a time so it won't hurt too bad. Just enough to make it good.

"That's my boy." He pushed it in, all the way. Right there. Oh, fuck! I live for that feeling! I love how he can drive right into me and then just stay there for a minute. "My sweet, dirty boy."

"Fuck me, man. Just do it, please?"

He sure as hell did. I didn't think about where we were or how late it was or how drunk he was or how pissed he made me. I didn't think about anything but Roy. Roy all hard, inside me. Roy's hands all over me. Roy, Roy, Roy. I hollered that name. Hollered it even louder when he yanked me up by the hair and made me sit on his lap so he could bounce me up and down. I loved it. Loved him. Turned around and made him kiss me again because all I ever was and all I wanted to be -

"I'm... I'm..."

"Say it! Say it Edward! I need you to say it!"

"I'M YOURS, YOU CONCEITED SON OF A BITCH!"

I'll be damned if that didn't make us both come.

Remember the part where I mentioned the most embarrassing thing? That would be when we both looked around and saw Al standing in the hall, in his bathrobe, pissed as hell.

"Ah, sorry about the mess?" Maybe I should've thrown the towel over the two of us.

"I take it you have a place to stay."

And of course Brigadier General Asshole had to chime in. "He always did." I wish I smacked the shit eating grin off his face.

"You totally planned this, didn't you?" I just shoved him off, instead.

"Obviously." Al stormed off.

I jumped up, grabbed the towel and started to run after him. But Roy grabbed my arm and shook his head. "You're not going after him. Not after what you told me." He tipped my head back and looked me dead in the eye.

"What are you talking about?"

"You said you're mine." He cupped my cheek. His hand was shaking. Call me out for being a sucker. Go ahead.

"That was just -"

"It's never 'just,' when it's you and me, Edward. And you said it. You're mine. I will never let you go, now." Oh, me and my big fucking mouth.

Needless to say, Roy Mustang is an arrogant, self centered prick from hell. So arrogant he took me home in his car, even though all I had to wear was his jacket. Jean kept looking at me through the rear view mirror - like I was a flasher or something! The pathetic thing is, I didn't even care. I was stting there, grinning like a loon after I trashed Alphonse's place and ditched him. My only brother! Why? All because I love Roy Mustang.

"I'll send Alphonse a note apologizing for the mess you left."

I must be insane.


End file.
